How To Charm Police Officers

 

Ladies, this one’s for you.

I’ve my share of run-ins with the boys in blue, usually all in the form of getting hauled over for some sort of vehicle infringement. I’ve never copped a fine or had an altercation, although there were plenty of times when it was warranted.

I put it down to an innate knowledge of how to subtly manipulate a situation to the advantage of both parties.

Some of this advice might offend or strike you as being shameless and outdated, but please bear in mind it works.

How to charm (male) police officers:

1.       Always, always, ALWAYS be polite: mild and unassuming works best. Smile like you’re happy to see them.

2.       Adopt an air of slight confusion – look enquiringly into space as they ask when your last trip to the mechanic was. Don’t be afraid to mention the words, I think my father…

3.       Be wide-eyed and ardent – of course I’ve paid my registration. I just forgot to put the sticker on. If the sticker is still in its envelope in your car, they’ll slap it on for you.

4.       Make the most of your femininity and all the opportunities that come with it – wear a helpless little smile when you confidently tell them you will certainly change your busted headlight at the next available service station. They’ll do it for you.

5.       Act dumb and concerned. No, I wasn’t aware that there is a minimum legal tyre tread. How do my tyres look? Oh (look crestfallen when they inform you your tyres are illegal).

6.       If you are wearing a knee-length dress or skirt at the time– hitch it up a couple centimetres.

7.       If you have long hair and you’re wearing it up at the time – shake it out.

8.       Visualise that you are the most wholesome, innocent person in the world – this inner conviction will shine through your face.

9.       Don’t be afraid to say any of the following when they ask how your day has been: baking, sewing, fundraising, dress shopping, cooking, vacuuming, gardening, visiting parents.

10.   Exude an air that says, “Oh, thank goodness you have pulled me over! Without you, I might never have known there were so many dangers with my car. Thank you, officer. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re my hero. I’ll follow your directions to the letter.”

And it goes without saying that you must always wish them a pleasant day once they’ve let you go with a warning and a fatherly shake of the head.

Everybody wins. They get to be the hero and you get to spend your money on more important things, like shoes.

And that, ladies, is how you charm police officers into never issuing you a fine.