Don't have a cow- no, wait....

Ummmm.....Ilikerawcowsmilk.

Sorry. *subtly clears throat.*

I like raw cows' milk.

Why? Because DAMN it tastes good! Who wants to drink that watered-down crappola from Woolworths?

But Julie, it hasn't been treated with a billion and one unnecessary processes to squeeze every last drop of awesomeness from it - you might get a disease or some sort of unpleasant bacterial infection, I hear you say. Well, I appreciate your concern, but I guess that's a risk I'm willing to take. Because that's me. I'm a risk taker. I jog without wearing socks in my runners and occasionally leave the door slightly ajar when I go to the loo.

Risssssssssssks. Hiss it out and tell me you don't feel bad ass.

Seriously - (although I was being...) Pauls and all the other Big Boy companies (it's been so long I literally can't remember their names) are holding their products hostage at one big, long, regrettable night out at the Milk Masquerade Ball, where no matter how crap your date is or how sick you get or how many times they play the Macarena or how many times a creep grabs your ass or how messy your makeup gets, you can never, never, never leave.

I understand the above paragraph doesn't make much sense. I don't care. It stays.

What supermarket supplied milk lacks (along with integrity) is the natural cream top which lasts for a third of the bottle and is basically like drinking pouring cream.

Milk should not taste watery. It should be thick, creamy and sweet. You should look forward to your daily glass of milk as a treat. Adding it to your hot beverage should be sweetness enough. Mixed with cocoa and boiled should send you to sleep where you sip.

I will no longer be supporting the enforced, ghastly, thin-lipped (you heard me) Milk Masquerade Ball. The tickets are too expensive and the guest list sucks.

My supplier of raw milk must remain nameless to ensure its continued *cough ILLEGAL* supply to its band of loyal followers. Yes, you heard my false cough - ILLEGAL. Guess that makes me an accessory to the crime now, don't it? Testify. Apparently you're not allowed to commercially sell unadulterated, awesome cow's milk. It's just too dangerous. BUT HERE KIDS, BUY A LITRE OF GUARANA AND SHARE IT WITH YOUR FRIENDS!!!

Thank goodness for food standards and safety regulations - where would we be without them?

Now I'm off to buy a No-Doze at my local corner store. Roll-up anyone? They go well with Coke - now THERE's a drink of champions with absolutely no health risks whatsoever associated with it. That must be why it's so popular - because it has the tick of approval from the government, and the population can enjoy a free-for-all with an easy conscience, knowing how vigilantly it is protected from dangerous consumables.

*Silence/crickets*

Ummm....yeah, I'm gonna go have a cup of hot cocoa now and then turn in for the evening....

*Silence/crickets*

Goodnight.